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Nissy's Personal Blogging Purpose

I started this blog on August 5, 2021, as a space where I can freely share my thoughts and emotions. Opening up to others has always been hard for me, but this blog helps me work through my feelings and be real with myself. Feel free to read anything here, but please do so with kindness and without judgment. ^_^

Tuesday, July 30, 2024

End of Month, July 2024: It All Makes Sense

 



    Today is July 30, 2024. TUESDAY. It is currently 11:01 p.m. Hmmm, what should I write for tonight? Tomorrow will be the last day of July. August na! Which means going back to school na. I don't know what should I expect, or is it better if hindi ako mag-expect at all? Ang mga ginagawa ko lang these past few days ay Dragon City and I've been lately watching Alex Gonzaga's vlog. Ang random 'di ba?

    As of this moment, I am currently listening to The Ridleys. Their songs, parang hine-heal nila yung kaloob-looban ko. It's so therapeutic. I've been listening to them since last year because of Aphrodite, and after going through over their soundtracks, I am glad that I was able to discover them during those times that I am on my lowest. Naging sandalan ko yung kanta nila na it all makes sense, at ngayong napagdaanan ko na 'yun lahat, I feel like kahit ano pang problema yung dumaan sakin in the future, makakayanan ko kasi nagawa kong i-overcome yung mga napagdaanan ko dati.
    
    Looking back to all the things I have experienced on my past, masasabi ko sa sarili ko na iba na talaga ako from what I am year ago. Ang dami nang nagbago, ang daming nawala sa buhay ko, pero marami namang dumagdag. Akala ko dati, hindi na ako makakausad, pero ngayong nandito na ako sa point ng buhay ko, I can finally say that I am completely moving forward, and no more looking back.

"I don't know why things happened
I don't know why things didn't go our way
But I don't want to stay stuck in the past

I don't know all the reasons
But I know someday we'll look back
And see it all made sense"

    Hmm, ano pa ba? Alam mo ba nissy, simula nung nagkaroon ako ng kapayapaan within myself, ang dami kong na-realize. Isa na roon ay napapaligiran ako ng mga taong hindi nakabubuti sakin. I once heard from an interview of Ms. Toni Gonzaga, "Don't let the outer environment affect your inner world" tapos dun ako na-enlighten, bakit nga ba ako magpapaaketo s aibang tao kung ako yung main character sa buhay ko? Bakit ko ba sila hinahayaan na i-take over yung mga nangyayari sakin? 

    I have it all under my control, hindi ko na ulit hahayaan yung sarili ko na magpaapekto, kasi buhay ko ito. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2024

Midnight Thoughts

 "You can't always win life, but you can always choose to fight. "


Today is July 24, WEDNESDAY. It's currently 11:51 p.m. and my mind is too chaotic right now so here I am again! Writing another blog entry for today. Hmmm, what will be the content? I dont know... I'll just say everything's that going on with my life and my mind.

First of all, our cpu just stopped working 2 days ago but it came back earlier from the technician and it's working again. I downloaded 2 IDE which will be needed for the pasukan (NetBeans and VS Code). Tapos I tried  playing Dragon City, oh dear I miss my childhood.

These past few days, ang tanging pinagkakaabalahan ko lang ay watching youtube shorts tapos movies. Tapos since nasira nga yung cpu, nung naging ayos na ulit, nag-try ako maggawa ng simple calculator pero hindi ako medyo proud kasi nanood lang naman ako ng tutorial sa YouTube.

Yung sinabi kong maga-advanced study ako thus vacation, kaunti lang yung usad ko. Ano kayang mangyayari sa pasukan?

Tapos may Super typhoon na tumama sa pilipinas, and ilang araw ding malakas yung hangin at ulan. Alam mo ba Nissy, ngayong bakasyon super late ako matulog like 1am to 2am tapos ang gising ko 9am to 10am, I really have to adjust my sleeping schedule na since malapit na nga talaga yung pasukan.

I don't know what to expect sa dararing na pasukan, pero alam ko namang kaya ko. Kakayanin ko ito!

Hmmm, ano pa ba nissy? Wala na akong masabi. Ahhh, eto. Ngayong bakasyon napansin ko talaga sa sarili ko na sobrang socially awkward ko palang tao. Malaking impact yung pagiging introvert ko kasi ang hirap sakin na magiba yung wall ko. Kumbaga kahit mismong mga kaibigan ko, they don't know the half of me. Parang may layer, na hindi ko napapakita sa iba yung side ko na yun kasi nga I'm not comfortable. Ang confusing ba? Basta yun.

Kaya napapansin ko lang din na sa circle of friends ko, ako yung pinaka hindi nila kilala. Miski nga sarili ko hindi ko na makilala. Existential crisis sa kalagitnaan ng gabi, jannice okay ka pa?



Monday, July 22, 2024

She's Finally Enrolled For 2nd Year!


    July 22, 2024. MONDAY. Today marks the day na nakapag-enroll na ako for my upcoming 2nd Year of college. I always tell here on my blog how much I overthink and how about I worry about the future, but the truth right now is I'm excited! Gusto ko na mag-start pero syempre napapangunahan pa rin ng takot at ng kaba pero nangingibabaw yung eagerness ko to study. I read somewhere sa post ng mutual ko na mahirap daw yung adjusting phase kapag 1st Sem ng 2nd Year but I'm ready to take the challenge! We can do it, miss nissy! :)

oh dear may mga natanggal sa mga kaklase ko, baka naglipatan na sila pero may mga dumagdag. Sana maging maayos pa yung unity ng section namin ngayong taon at hindi na magkagulo pa TwT.

No more toxicity please! 


Friday, July 19, 2024

Exactly 1 Month!

This photo was taken a minute ago...

    Today is July 19. FRIDAY. It is currently 11:11 p.m. Sabi ko kanina habang nilalagay yung memory card sa old digicam namin, "oh please, sana gumana ito. I will be at my happiest kapag gumana ito", and there we go! After a lot of tries, finally! Na-read na ng digicam yung memory card ni kuya. As a sentimental girlie talaga, things like this excites me the most!

Based on the title of my blog for tonight's entry, saktong 1 month nalang, simula na ng pasukan namin. August 19, oh dear I don't like to go to school yet. Inaamin kong ang boring talaga ng bakasyon kong ito, pero hindi ko pa gugustuhing pumasok.

Kanina, nung nalaman kong maayos pa pala yung digicam namin, dun ko na-realize na meron kami nung mga bagay na makakapagpasaya talaga sakin. Like we have all the resources, and all I just have to do is that to cherish it all well. Isingit ko rin lang itong PC na pinag-ty-type-an ko ngayong mga oras na ito. How fortunate I am to have this, tapos swak na swak sa course ko, oh dear nissy huwag ka mapanghinaan ng loob. Daming beses na mangyayari sa'yo, na papasok sa isip mo na "para sa'kin ba talaga ito?", "may future ba ako dito?".

Hindi natin malalaman kung hindi natin susubukan, right? : )

Thursday, July 18, 2024

When Was The Last Time You Were Genuinely Happy?



If you could ask me what my favorite photo of mine is, this is it! :)

The content for today's blog is about my happy moments. Sometimes, when we are at the moment when we feel happy, enthusiastic, or excited, we tend to take it all for granted kasi we might feel na we experience it every now and then so nasasanay tayo sa mismong exact moment na 'yon. I know what I am saying right now is too general but that's exactly the point. May mga bagay na nangyayari satin at the present time na akala natin pangmatagalan but the truth here is, the world evolves and changes and everything that is around us is just temporary. 

As a sentimental person, I tend to overlook the wonderful things, those wonderful people. Tapos ngayong nasa present moment ako, those people are just... strangers with memories anymore. As I have said to my past blog, I am not the type of person na nag-i-initiate ng catch up and I feel like mali ko 'yon on my part kasi may mga pinagsamahan din naman kami and knowing na ako yung lumalayo not because I wanted to, but I really NEEDED to, makes me feel like I'm a bad person.

So, Miss Nissy, when was the last time you were happy, yung walang pagpapanggap, yung masaya ka talaga na hindi para ipakita sa iba na you're not blaming yourself over and over again ervery night for the things that you've done to your past. How come we can easily forgive other people, but we can't forgive ourselves, my dear nissy?

How I wish I could just let past self-go and not hold on to those bad memories anymore. How I wish I can easily let go those people who are not part of my life anymore. How I wish I let myself be happy and not be surrounded by those thoughts that the world will continue on evolving if I am completely gone?

How I wish I could free myself and do whatever the fuck I want without having the feeling that I don't deserve to have the liberty to do things.

Monday, July 15, 2024

Take A Rest, My Dear Nissy

May your eyes that cried so much have some rest at last... 


It's been so long miss nissy, you have to forgive yourself already and start all over again. I know it's really tough for you, knowing na ikaw talaga yung naging dahilan kung bakit nararanasan natin ito lahat ngayon but hey, take a rest. Just like what I always tell to my dear past self, don't be too hard on yourself. Some things have to happen just because Lord has another plans for you, and it's completely okay na hindi nagwowork out para sa'yo yung mga bagay na gusto mo.

Know that you always have me, yourself, in every step of the way. Marami ka pang mapagdadaanan in the future, and it will be a lot more challenging for you, take all the rest that you needed, enjoy doing stuffs that you really like. Lagi mong tatandaan na you should live life, not just to survive, but to also know your purpose. 

Well, I always wonder, what will happen if mawala ako? Ano bang purpose ko sa mundo? I hope someday, malaman ko. I hope someday, lahat ng mga worries ko, maging okay. 

I don't honestly know what am I saying on this blog entry for today, but the thoughts that are circulating around inside my mind is that...miss nissy, I know you'll be fine soon. Your past self will always be proud of you for trying and trying everything to cope things up even if it gets difficult everyday. You have courageous heart, mind, and soul to still think about the rainbows and sunshines that will be coming for you after all the storms that you've been through. 

Live to love, love to live,
for this life has nothing to offer but to breathe.

I love you, miss nissy. Please always remember that. : )

Saturday, July 13, 2024

Spy Family

 



Nakakamiss manood ng anime/cartoons na tagalog dubbed huhu ito ang childhood ko! Naalala ko dati lagi akong excited gumising para manood ng Sofia the first, Doc McStuffins, Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse ClubHouse, Detective Conan, Jackie Chan, Adventure time at marami pang iba.

Hayyy, good old days...

At ngayong mga panahong ito, may na-discover nga akong spy family tagalog dubbed sa youtube, syempre hindi ko pinalampas, I'm literally invested! 

Midnight Thoughts

Oh my dear nissy, don't let anyone dull your shine ✨


It's currently 12:37 a.m., listening to spotify playlist entitled classic medley songs, tapos it's raining lightly, and I have my blanket, my pillow is so comfy and my eyes are kinda sleepy. Favorite time of the day ko talaga yung 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. na kung saan everything is so peaceful and quiet. Got to believe yung nagpla-play na song ngayon sa phone ko so yun yung ilalagay ko dito. 



Hmm, ang ginawa ko lang nitong mga nakaraang araw ay manood sa YouTube ng random stuffs about coding. Nagse-search ako ng mga basic knowledge lang naman tapos ngayong araw sinubukan kong simulan yung SQL, napagana ko naman yung IDE, nakagawa ako kahit papano ng simpleng database.

Tapos kanina may na-discover akong tagalog dubbed ng favorite anime ko nung year 2022, I missed watching spy family! Sinimulan ko kanina habang nagt-try ng SQL, medyo okay ako sa multi-tasking, nag-e-enjoy akong manood at the same time natututo ako sa DBMS ng konti lang naman. Today is July 13, SATURDAY. Pasukan namin ay August 19. So I have 1 month and 6 days pa to do anything I want pero syempre matching with productivity dapat.

Tapos kanina, after ko manood ng spy family and mag-try ng SQL, napunta ako dito sa blog ko. Tuwing sasapit talaga ang gabi, hindi ko mapigilang hindi mag-reminisce, nakita ko yung photos ko nung bata ako, haaay I wish I could go back from being a child just to feel something again.

Kiddo nissy, huwag munang magmadaling tumanda ha? Mahirap pala kapag nasa 19 years old stage ka na, malapit na sa adulting stage. I think naging masaya naman ako sa pagiging bata ko dati, tapos kitang-kita ko at natatandaan ko na dumaan pala talaga ako sa awkward stage, teenager nissy was full of emotions. And syempre 18 years old nissy was full of love that was getting out of hand.

Sa 19 years na pamumuhay ko sa mundong ibabaw na ito, ang dami ko nang na-experience na mga bagay-bagay. Totoo pala talga yung sinabi ng ate ko dati na huwag ko raw papangarapin na mag-college kasi hindi ko raw magugustuhan. Yung totoo, okay lang naman kasi talaga sakin yung mga naranasan ko nung 1st year, ang nagho-hold back lang sakin ay yung mga bagay na kinakatakutan ko, natatakot akong pumalya, natatakot ako na baka hindi ko kayanin, na baka sa una lang ako magaling. Lagi akong napapangunahan ng takot. Pero ano naman kung mag-fail diba? Hindi naman end of the world kung mangyari yun.

Nakatatak na sa isip ko yung "hindi ka natatalo kung hindi ka gumagalaw" dami ko na namang what ifs ngayong gabi, pero what can I do, I just have to go with the flow, right?

Ano pa bang thoughts ko? Alam mo ba nissy, naiisip ko rin paminsan-minsan yung mga atraso ko sa mga tao, at ngayong lumipas na nga ang panahon, parang hindi ko na alam kung magiging maayos pa ba? pero sa part ko, I think bumabawi na ako sa sarili ko, masyado ko kasing sinisi yung sarili ko sa mga nangyari dati, kaya tuwing may pagkakataon na dapat masaya, iniisip ko na hindi ko ito deserve. Sa pagtagal, napapalaya ko na yung sarili ko sa mga maling nagawa ko. 

Hmm, ano pa ba? Tumila na ang ulan. Wala na ring thoughts na dumadaloy sa aking isipan. 1 minute nalang 1 a.m. na, future nissy, I hope you're doing fine sa mga panahong binabasa mo ito. Okay 1 a.m na, bye! I'll read muna on medium to ease my mind. : )


Saturday, July 6, 2024

Do You Ever Wish You Could Go Back In Time?




"I know I did a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret making any of them because if I hadn't made any of them, I wouldn't have learned how to make things right"

It's currently 11:16 p.m. Kanina, I watched my comfort movie entitled 13 going on 30. There was specific scene between the main character Jenna and her mom and it's about Jenna asking na if there's a specific time na her mom can really go back to, would she go back?

I admit, I am trying and trying to occupy my mind just to not forget the things that I have done. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin napapatawad yung sarili ko, ang sama parin talaga ng tingin ko kasi mali yung mga nagawa ko dati. I can't focus on what I am doing, I am always haunted by my own past, para akong kinakain ng guilt ko.

hmmm, since I can't stop thinking about it, iku-kuwento ko dito.

Dati nung nasa transition stage ako from elementary to highschool, I tried to cut ties with a lot of people. Yun yung mahirap sa'kin dati, ang dali kong makalimot sa pinagsamahan namin dati nung former friends ko which is sinisisi ko rin naman yung sarili ko kasi we've outgrown each other and hindi ko na rin naramdaman na we're in the same vibes anymore. Kaya walang tumatagal na kaibigan, kasi ako yung lumalayo. I was toxic, and I totally admit that. Kaya rin hirap ako makipag-kaibigan kasi alam kong ako yung mali, hindi ako masyadong nag-mamaintain ng friendship kasi I always isolate myself TOO MUCH when things get tougher in my life. I don't like the way I deal with my problems because I know in myself na pati relationships ko with other people ay maaapektuhan. 

Haaay.

Friday, July 5, 2024

Trust In His Perfect Timing



I stumbled upon this Medium post. Ever since I was young, I am always fond of disney princesses, hoping that this young little girl nissy will find her own prince charming once she grows up. Lagi niyang ini-imagine na someday, magkakaroon din siya ng happily ever after. I remember, I had this memory, I think eto yung pinakauna kong memory nung bata ako. Nasa isang simbahan ako tapos nagsasabihan ng vow yung dalawang kinakasal sa harap ng altar, tapos nasa isip ko nun nung bata ako, paano nila nakakayanan magsalita ng ganon sa harapan ng maraming tao? 'Pag ako tumanda, sabi ko sa sarili ko di ko ito gagawin kapag kinasal ako.

oh diba ang bata bata pa, kasal na agad?!

Pero ngayong I'm currently 19 years old, all I just want to happen in my life ay magkaroon ako ng successful career at payapang pamumuhay. Sana yung mga mangyari sa future nissy, ma-achieve yung mga goal sa life. I always see myself as afraid girlie na hindi risk taker. I am not comfortable in terms of getting out of my comfort zone because I just can't get away of the fact the I am not that kind of person na may bilib sa sarili. Lagi kong binababa yung sarili ko, and lagi kong nakikita yung mga pagkukulang ko which shows na wala akong tiwala on my own capabilities.

Medyo napapalayo na ako sa topic ko ah, when will I find my prince charming? or why not girl, we never know :P 

Anyway, as a hopeless romantic girlie na lately nalaman na hindi ako straight, I won't rush myself into finding my lover because nakikita ko sa nangyayari ngayon sa life ko na I should really have to make myself feel na I am already enough and I don't need someone to show how worthy and valuable I am. To my past relationship (with no label at all), I think that made me learn na there will come to a point na akala ko sila na ang aking happily ever after, but in the end, they just turned to be a chapter of this book of my life. I have found my first/puppy and my second/greatest love, sooo... when the right time comes, I hope God will lead me to that right person who will eventually become my one true love.

Pero Lord, I am not rushing ha? :) Just know that I am always trusting your will for me, even if I don't understand what's your plan for me at the moment, alam kong in the future, masasabi ko na "Haaay Lord, I knew it was you and your plan all along"


Anyway, bilang pagtatapos, I would like to put here this simple message my 14 years old sent me in the past. Don't worry old self, hindi kita bibiguin! :)

Reddit Is Full Of Problematic People

 They can never make me hate you, skyfam ☁️

+ Saxon Kent👶🏻

"Ginagatasan yung anak". How can someone be so mean? A short backstory, I've known Ms. Kryz since year 2020 mainly because of Architect Oliver, nung nag-react siya sa Skypod house nila. Nung una, na-intimidate ako kasi kikay si Kryz and I thought they were the typical rich and expensive couple. I have to make improvements in terms of my judgements because when I get to know their family, lahat ng akala ko, mali pala.
I started to be a fan and like a virtual ninang of Scottie because I like the way Kryz vlog, it feels so homey and authentic, and the vibe was so therapeutic. Yun yung kailangan ko lalo nung pandemic era kaya lagi ko silang inaabangan. Her Wednesday @6pm and Sunday @10am vlogs were always the thing that I get excited the most every week. Tapos meron pang time na I binged watched Kryz vlogs because I admire the way how family oriented she is and yung goals and plans niya sa life is something that I can look up to.
Kryz and Slater got married, and they travelled abroad on the places that they want to go to.
Tapos when they had Scottie, they were first time parents so they were struggling at first and then Sevi comes tapos this year, Saxon was born and in just blink of an eye, they are a family of 5!
Kryz vlogs always feel like my comfort and my home. Someone said na ginagawa lang ni Kryz na content yung kids niya just to make money but I always knew na it's for memories. And Kryz knows privacy, hindi lahat ng bagay pinapakita niya sa vlogs niya, just a sneak peek of what is happening around their house. 
Honestly, reddit users are toxic people to begin with. At first, I downloaded that app just to have some news on what's currently happening today but things are getting out of hand. Nung una, puro kay Alice Guo lang yung mga stuffs but sa pagtagal, puro tungkol sa mga stuffs na ikasisira ng mga tao.
Wala bang ibang pinagkakaabalahan ang mga tao sa app na yon? Haaay, basta skyfam will always be my comfort no matter what other people say.

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Is Coding For Me?

 The only limit is my imagination... 


It's been almost 2 weeks since I started advanced studying for real. I admit, it's super challenging lalo na sa katulad kong napakaikli ng attention span. Naiintindihan ko naman yung topic, but hindi pa ako gaanong nakakapag-write ng code on my own. 

Naalala ko nung mga paunang araw ng pag-aaral ko, yung laman lagi ng mga panaginip ko eh all about coding stuffs, but yung mga panaginip ko these days ay wala na akong natatandaan. 

Honestly, sa pagtagal, parang nasasanay na ako na mag-aral tungkol sa mga stuffs na ganito. Totoo pala yun, pwede ko palang matutunan na mahalin yung course na pinili ko for practicality.

Dati, I thought coding is all about html, which is favorite topic ko dati nung grade 6 and 8 since lagi akong nag-e-excel don. But html is not a programming language pala. It's just for starters, I guess? Madaming types ng totoong programming language like Java, Python, SQL, C++ and many more.

Dati talaga masyado akong napanghihinaan ng loob kasi pinasok ko itong course na ito nang wala akong alam. Pero basta may sipag, lahat matututunan, lahat mapag-aaralan. 


Tiwala lang, nissy! Rooting for you :)

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

The Peace of Not Knowing

 These past few days, I've been working on myself

    As much as I can, I am trying to keep myself away from social media-- that place ruined my mental being so much. Gusto ko after ng bakasyon na ito, better version na ako. I want to grow and become a better person. Gusto kong mag-aral talaga para hindi gaanong mahirapan yung sarili ko. Hindi ko na hahayaan na masyadong magpalamon sa mga nakikita ko sa net, I don't want to be stressed on those unnecessary things anymore. I think more than 2 weeks ko na rin dine-deprive yung sarili ko from socmeds, but I can't help myself to become COMPLETELY away from it, Youtube ang laging pinupuntahan ko.

    Kaya ko naman palang mawalan ng pake on things that is going on around me, especially on other people. Hindi na ako masyadong interesado sa ganap ng ibang tao, I'm prioritizing more myself these days. Wala naman akong mapapala sa iba, dapat sa sarili ko lang fino-focus yung attention ko.

    July 3, WEDNESDAY. Three days since the month of July has started. Self-isolation has always been my coping mechanism, at wala sigurong nakakapansin na lumalayo ako, maybe that's for the best. Gusto ko rin naman na mamuhay ng payapa at lumayo muna sa mga tao. Maiintindihan naman nila, siguro?

    Feeling ko talaga they won't notice it in the first place, and that's completely okay. Mas gusto ko na ganito nalang yung nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Walang masisira yung mga tao sa'kin kung hindi na nila alam yung nangyayari sa buhay ko.

    Hmmm, basta all I want right now ay mangyari yung mga goal ko ngayong bakasyon. To work on becoming a better version of myself.

Monday, July 1, 2024

I Loved You, It Ruined My Life

 Out of all Taylor Swift's songs, I relate to the Fortnight the most


Today is July 1st, MONDAY. Before I start writing on this blog entry of mine, I promise to myself na this will be the last time I will be writing to this blog na tungkol kay nwvm. Kaya ko naisip na magsulat ngayon, kaninang madaling araw I can't fall asleep, so I decided to read everything dito sa blog ko and most of it was about him. Nabasa ko yung mga past thoughts ko dati about sakanya and after that, oh fudge naaawa ako sa sarili ko. 

Sa lahat ng napagdaanan ko, kahit ano mang maling desisyon yung nagawa ko, hindi ko deserve na maramdaman lahat ng yun. Walang kahit sinong may deserve. After all that I've been through, masyado akong nag-beg, masyado kong binaba yung sarili ko, masyado ko siyang minahal to the point na ubos na ubos na ako. Hindi ko na talaga makilala yung sarili ko non, at hindi ko na gugustuhing maranasan yun ulit. 

Haaay Lord, hindi ko pa talaga kaya yung mga ganitong love, kasi grabe pala talaga ako magmahal. Hindi si nissy yon, ibang persona ko yon.

Yung totoong nissy, dapat laging sarili yung pinipili. Hindi masamang maging selfish minsan miss nissy, you have to make your walls and your boundaries higher, you should not let other people take advantage of your kindness.

Yeah, I admit it hindi naman ako nagbabait-baitan dito, syempre may atraso din ako sa mga taong nanakit sa'kin, wala na akong magagawa pa, wala na naman sila sa buhay ko para isipin ko pa 'di ba?

Hindi ko na gugustuhin pang makita sila. I guess the feeling is mutual, he doesn't want to associate with me anymore as far as I can remember. Maybe para na rin sa ikapapayapa ng lahat, mas mabuti pang isipin ko nalang na never ko siyang nakilala kasi masyado akong nawasak dahil sakanya.