My Last Year As A Teen

    It is exactly 12:00 a.m. right now and I suddenly realized, “oh! 19 years old… last year ko na ito as a teenager” So I would like to reminisce all of those memories I had while being a teen. Ang random ng content na ito, bakit ko nga ba naisip bigla na gumawa nito? It is because of that one IG reel that I stumbled upon, nakakatuwang isipin na yung age na pinapangarap ko dati na sana fast forward nalang, kasalukuyang nasa panahon na.

Thirteen years old nissy… I was grade 8 during that time. Back then, I had a lot of break-outs, I don’t like the way I look, daming pimples, super chubby, and it made me question my worth. Sa buong pagiging teenager ko, all I could remember was my insecurities and during this moment, gusto ko nalang na mag-time travel at iparamdam sa sarili ko na I am enough. Honestly, ang tanging naalala ko lang na ginawa ko as a teenager ay ang makaranas ng isang typical na nangyayari sa mga kapwa kong kabataan. Ang cliché mang pakinggan pero I’ve totally experienced that once in a lifetime first puppy love. I don’t want to tell that story here in detailed, isasarili ko nalang, but to summarize it all up, sakanya ko rin naranasan ang aking first ever heartbreak.

I am always fond of watching k-drama, nagsimula din akong mahumaling na manood ng mga ganoong palabas simula nung nag 13 years old ako. Mainly because of the influence of my Ate Charish (may her soul rest in peace). Siya yung nag-introduce sa’kin ng k-pop. Lalo na ang lagi niyang binibida na bts, bias niya raw si Jin at V. Pati na rin BlackPink at Twice. I was their ultimate ONCE during 2018. Sobrang hilig ko mag-stream sa mga kanta ng twice, naging fan nila ako before the “Signal” era. Tapos in terms of bts, I was just a casual listener, uso pa dati ang mag-download sa mp3 juices, napupuno ang lumang phone na nokia ng mga kanta nila katulad ng fire, young wild and free, spring (?) at marami pang iba.  Naalala ko dati, mayroong napakaraming CD si Ate Charish tapos punong-puno ng pirated k-dramas. Naalala ko pa yung mga plot nung k-drama but yung mismong title, nakalimutan ko na.

Ngayong teen-ager ko rin naranasan na mahumaling sa mga kuwento sa wattpad, lalo na ang I love you Since 1982 ni binibining Mia. Nakahiligan kong magbasa ng mga tagalog na storya, lalo na yung Isang Daang Tula Para Kay Stella. Dahil sa librong yon, nagustuhan kong magawa ng mga tula, and during that time, most of it ay ginawa ko para sa aking first love. I gave him 100+ poems, but I don’t honestly remember kung ano yung mga sinulat ko ron. May copy ako nung mga tulang yon kaso nakatago lang, matagal ko nang hindi nababasa. I made it that 100+ poems for a month!

Due to the influence of my friend during SHS, this time I was around 16 years old, nakahiligan ko ring manood ng mga anime at magbasa ng manga, webtoon, at manhwa. Katulad nung kanina sa k-drama, nakalimutan ko na yung mga title pero yung plot, tandang-tanda ko pa. I have this favorite anime na hindi ko makakalimutan yung title, “kimi no todoke” na hanggang ngayon, gustong-gusto ko pa rin.

Na-discover ko rin sa sarili ko na after my k-pop phase during 2018-2019, mas gusto kong making sa mga opm. I became a big time fan of The Juans. Na-discover ko sila dahil sa nabanggit ko kanina na wattpad story, mayroon kasi doon sa kuwento na fine-feature yung mga kanta sa bawat chapter, and “Prom” yung unang kanta nil ana napakinggan ko!

During pandemic era, 2020. I was 16 years old. Dito na naghalu-halo yung mga interest ko. I watched k-dramas, read anime, read wattpad stories—nung mga panahong ito nag—boom yung university series which I definitely loved! I was also  an ultimate fan of Day6! Kasi yung mga kanta nila like “You Were Beautiful” pang broken. Eh nung pandemic era ako na-heartbroken because of my first love. Day6 songs really saved me, everytime na parang umaatake na naman yung pagiging broken ko, I listen to their songs full volume para damang-dama!

When I was 16, looking back, that age for me, masyado pa akong bata and hindi pa fully stable yung emotional health ko so to experience something like that would really break a young heart of nissy. But as I always say to myself, it is all in the past now and masaya ako na payapa na yung buhay naming pareho.

So fast forward to 18 years old nissy, during this time around, na-experience naman ni teenager nissy ang kanyang 2^nd heartbreak because of a guy. I won’t tell how we met nor who he is but all in all, that experienced of mine really helped me a lot to mature and to be better. This time, ako naman yung nagkamali, I was the one who became too immature and toxic to the point that even if it ended a long long time ago, I was the one who is forcing things to still work out. 18 years old nissy was full of hope, she was blinded by love. However, she ended up losing herself.

Fast forward to the time na nakamove-on na si nissy sa kanyang 2^nd love, it was the time when there was another person that was new to her life. 19 years old nissy had a whole existential crisis. Nagkaroon ng napakalaking confusion between her internal self. As time goes by, she began to accept it all. Kaya ngayon, as I have said to my past blog, I do like someone, and that someone is a “she”.

To conclude it all, my teenager life was full of life-changing experience at kung tatanungin niyo ako ng “kung may pagkakataon ka ba na baguhin yung mga ginawa mo on your past, would you go back and change the way things happened?” I would instantly say na lahat ng ginawa ko, I don’t regret it all. Papanindigan ko lahat ng desisyon na ginawa ko, wala akong babaguhin na kahit ano.