End Of Month, October 2024

Ang bilis ng panahon, right miss nissy?

I am writing this blog on October 30, WEDNESDAY. Time check, it is currently 7:05 p.m. tapos I realized na katapusan na ng month of October, and since nagkaroon ako ng oras ngayon na magsulat para sa blog na ito, here I go! I’ll be telling you nissy what happened to me during this month! I will try to recall everything as many as I can, though I am honestly telling you na mabilis akong makalimot, kaya hindi ko masisigurado kung maku-kuwento ko ba lahat.

 

Let’s start with the first week, hindi pa ito kasali sa October but I want to include what happened on September 30, Monday. We were playing dodgeball game. My core memory was tumama sa’kin yung bola, directly to my right eye. Malakas talaga yung impact to the point na naiyak nang kusa yung right eye ko, but I know it was all an accident, and it was just a game after all. The whole game was fun, and here is the thing that I want to tell you my dear nissy, during that time, that’s when I started to notice her, let’s call her “someone so divine” and that’s when the teasing started to happen. After that, I don’t remember anything that much, super blank ng memory ko nung mga 1^st week. All I could remember that happened to me during 2^nd week was I was struggling so much, in-anxiety ako kasi midterms are finally coming, there’s a lot of self-doubts at kapag iisipin kong mag-review, I can’t help myself but to stare at the wall in front of my pc, “nissy, kaya ba natin ito? Bakit napnghihinaan na naman tayo ng loob?”

Fast forward to the 3^rd week, it was the midterms week. Punong-puno lang ng preparation. Halos kinukulang na ako sa tulog, not because of overstudying, but because I am overthinking. Yun yung mali sa’kin, others see my potential, naniniwala sila sa’kin but I always see myself as a person who always fails, lahat ng mga bagay na gagawin ko, I always expect the worst thing that could happen, na siguro nagiging dahilan kaya ako nagkaroon ng uneasiness feeling nung unang araw ng exam. Hindi ko maintindihan yung sarili ko, “bakit masyado akong harsh”, “why am I pushing myself to the limits?”, “why am I being hard to myself?”. Marami akong bagay na tinatanong sa isip ko, maybe there is something that happened to me on my past which is connected to what I am feeling right now. Nissy, hindi tayo magkalaban dito, kakampi kita, kaya alagaan mo naman yang sarili mo.

The whole midterms week was full of doubts, but despite of all the things na nasabi ko, there will always be a good side in everything. Oh my dear Lord, I’m so thankful for the people you’ve given unto my life. To those people who keep on checking up on me, who always tell me that everything is going to be okay, who always remind me na “hinay-hinay lang nissy, magpahinga ka. Deserve mo ng pahinga, proud na proud kami sa’yo sa kahit anong magawa mo”.

To those people who have been with me during my worst and lowest points, I do appreciate them so much. I don’t know if all of these na sinasabi ko is overdramatic, but this is what I felt and what I am feeling, I am so blessed to have those people in my life, na nagpapa-balance sa isipan kong magulo at komplikado.

After exam week, I tried all my best to give myself a break and a reward. I overslept for 3 days, hindi ko muna ginalaw yung kwarto kong sobrang gulo na parang nagiging warzone and a disaster during exam season, I gave myself all the rest that I needed to, at hindi ko na inisip pa ang mga bagay na hindi na kailangan pang pagtuunan ng pansin.

4^th week of October was so devastating, this is when the result of exam got released. The first 2 days nagkaroon kami ng pasok, at chineck-an ang exam for dbms and oop. Luckily, both of my exam were passed, and I didn’t expect it to be like that. I was so unsure, full of uncertainties. I remember the time when I am currently answering the oop debugging exam part, I changed my answers last minute. There was like an angel whispering to me, na parang sinabi na mali yung mga sagot ko, then I tripled check the code, and that’s when I noticed something, hindi kailangan ng breakline! Anyway, basta I was thankful that I trusted myself during that time. Nasa isip ko non, “I feel like ganito yung logic nung code, I can feel it in my heart”. Oo, talagang puso, kasi yung isip ko non, masyado nang nag-ooverthink, kaya sinunod ko nalang yung sinasabi ng aking heart, and it turned out really well.

As I have said, week 4 was so devastating because yun yung time na binagyo kami. Typhoon Kristine was the name of the typhoon. 3 days nawalan ng kuryente. Walang tigil yung pagbuhos ng ulan, and we were blessed and lucky na we were safe. Kaso everytime na I scroll on my news feed sa facebook, there were a lot of families that were affected, binaha yung bahay, nagkaroon ng landslide… oh fudge, it honestly broke my heart. I hope they all recover and heal from all of those things that happened to them, it will take a lot of time. After the typhoon, our university took some considerations, instead of face to face, they conducted the class to be asynchronous for 3 days. Hmmm, but today, October 30, Wednesday, they announced na face to face.

 

The lessons and realizations that I came up with sa Month of October 2024 was…  mainly about being not too hard on myself. Ako at ako lang din ang mahihirapan. It is not okay kung yung mindset ko is always focused on the negative things, but it is also not okay if always positive. We should always be balanced, miss nissy. You know, we do not know what the future holds, there may be a lot of disappointments, but at the end of the day, ganyan talaga ang buhay. Alam mo my dear nissy, marami ka pang matututunan, and when learning, it is okay to make some mistakes, that only means that you are trying. Hmmm, ano pa ba? Siguro huwag laging magpapakampante. Our professor told us kanina na we should expect the worst things that could happen pero do not let it affect us, instead, make it the motivation to do better. The last one is just to trust myself, may mga decision talaga ako na I don’t know what to do or am I doing it right... to know kung tama ba talaga is just to go with it. Fight or flight, right?

As I end this blog entry of mine for today, I would like to kuwento this girlie whom I describe as “someone so divine” because malapit sa pangalan niya. I honestly don’t know her during the first week of classes, mainly because I don’t focus my attention dun sa mga bagong kaklase, but there was one time when we become groupmates. It was our python class, we were debugging on paper. She was just there, suggesting and correcting those errors, sabi ko “ang cute naman nito” pero hanggang dun lang, cute lang naman kasi talaga. Then days later, I saw her again and I started na mapansin yung presence niya, hanggang sa nag pathfit na, oh damn! She removed her iconic hairstyle na ponytail, she looks so nice.

 

All in all, this feeling that I am feeling was just pure admiration. I am well aware that I have felt this feeling in my past na “nissy happy crush lang ito” but it eventually turned out to be an another trauma. I have learned my lesson, and this time, I know the best thing that I have to do, totoo na ito, na purely for happy motivation lang talaga. Honestly, we had this simple interaction lately, and she already knew that fact that I have a crush on her, she was so cool about it, and there was one time na may sinabi siya na “okay lang na kabahan ka, pero subukan mong labanan” because it was our title proposal na kinabukasan. During the presentation, all that I could think of is, “okay nissy, kaya natin ito, labanan natin yung kaba!” and then our title got approved! I know that it is just a simple reminder, pero it helped me a lot. Doon ko na-realize na, “hindi ako nagkakamaling sa lahat, ikaw yung pinili kong maging motivation ko. Kaya mas gagalingan ko!”

Ang buwan ng October ko na ito ay rollercoaster of emotions, but I am so blessed na I survived another month! I know November and December will be more stressful, but kaya natin ito! 

Kakayanin at kakayanin, para sa sarili, at sa kinabukasan : )