End of Month, November 2024

Hello my dear nissy, today is october 28. 2 days nalang, katapusan na ng November, so I would like to take this chance na wala akong ginagawang kahit ano para i-kuwento sa'yo kung ano yung mga ginawa ko sa buwan na ito, and also my realizations.

    Wala talaga akong maalala sa mga ginawa ko ngayong month, so just like what I did last time, by week yung pag-ku-kuwento ko.

    First week, it was the time na what I only did was to research on random things na gagawin ko sa system namin sa java. Tapos nung week din na 'yon diniscuss yung paggagawa namin ng trailer, ang napunta sa amin ay yung alamat ng lamok so medyo challenging. Tapos nung week din na 'yon yung dapat na proposal namin para sa python namin, which is ang pagpipilian ay tetris, math quiz game, or sudoku.

    2nd week, 'eto na yung time na nalaman ko yung score ko both discrete and physics, which I eventually realized na kailangan kong bumawi sa finals kasi medyo sablay yung score ko nung midterms. It was also the week na kung saan nangyari na ang cisco exam namin na naudlot nang naudlot, nasagutan ko naman ng ayos kaso medyo sumablay doon sa part ng essay. Nangyari rin sa week na ito yung databiz namin tapos honestly, hindi ako nakinig sa buong seminar. During the event, nalaman ko yung score ko sa python na matagal kong in-overthink dahil akala ko ang dami kong mali, but the score turns out really great. Masarap yung snacks nila na ensaymada, tapos pagkauwi, kumain kami ng the crunch ng girlies.

    3rd week, puro java system lang talaga yung inaatupag ko nung time na ito so wala akong maikukuwento sainyo TwT. Halos magdamag ko nang ginagawa at inaayos para lang ma-reach yung target ko within that day. Hindi na ako nakakaramdam ng kahit anong pagod, pero gustong-gusto ko na magpahinga, naaawa na ako sa sarili ko pero mas pinipili ko pa ring tapusin yung mga dapat kong gawin. This week din nangyari yung intrams na hindi naman talaga ako nag-enjoy kasi puro tambay lang yung ginawa ko. Pero the one core memory that happened to me during this week was nagkaroon ako ng first photo with her! Hindi man siya aware, but she is within that frame. Yung simpleng photo na 'yon, it may be cringey to say, but yung pagkaumay ko sa system namin, it all fade away. For inspiration kasi talaga si jade!

    4th week, it was November 20, the day when I had a photo her... standing near her, beside her. I honestly told myself in this blog na nung time na in-admire ko siya, "you have to keep your boundary miss nissy". Yun ang lagi kong paalala kasi ayaw kong maulit yung dati. Kaya never ko siya kinausap online na ako talaga yung mag-initiate, I don't want to get close to her, it will be better if I keep my distance, kasi alam ko naman na itong nararamdaman ko, mas maganda kung hahayaan ko nalang. Yung wala akong gagawin na kahit ano, para hindi ako maging dehado.

    Pero kung magiging honest ako, during that time na nasa tabi niya ako, biglang pumasok sa isip ko, fudge iba na itong nararamdaman ko. It may start as an inspiration pero ngayon na nasasanay na ako na gusto ko siyang laging makikita, sakanya ko nararamdaman yung kakaibang saya. Medyo delikado na si nissy sa part na ito na na-re-realize niya na iba na. Pero I don't know her that much, maybe I'm just fantasizing over her, or am I just idolizing her? I should set my priorities straight, hindi ko hahayaan na mangyari ulit yung dati. Sa kabila ng lahat ng sinabi ko, pinapangako ko sa sarili ko na happy crush lang ito!

Happy crush na ginawan ko ng playlist sa Spotify, hayyy devine, the woman that you are

    Now that it is already 5th week of November, it feels like time seems to pass by very quickly. Parang nung isang araw lang, nahihirapan ako mag-connect ng database sa system namin, tapos ngayon okay na! Parang kailan lang hirap na hirap akong isipan ng trailer yung asean namin, tapos ngayon okay na rin! Nahihirapan din ako sa pag-iisip sa commercial, pero nairaos. At nahirapan na paganahin yung tetris game, pero naitawid din! The one core memory that happened to me during this week was pumunta kami kila Yesha, dito ko na-realize na time really heals everything. If you guys may not know, I liked this girlie that we can call "vb girlie" during my 1st year of college and that girl is still my classmate up until now. Hanggang sa nangyari ang mga bagay na hindi inaasahan, I even had this corny and cringy memory-- I bravely did a spoken word just to confess, but despite all that happened, what really matters right now is it was all in the past now, at may world peace nang nangyari.

Para sa realizations ni nissy sa month of November 2024...

 

    Last year, November din yung pinaka-stressful na month para sa'kin and it was all deja vu since ilang week din akong di maka-function nang maayos dahil sa mga pinapagawa sa'min. Sa sobrang stress ko sa month na ito, I am breaking out! Ang pinaka napagtanto ko sa month na ito ay merong mga instances na napapabayaan ko na talaga yung sarili ko para lang magawa yung mga bagay na kailangan kong ma-accomplish. Naisip ko tuloy, in real world kaya, magpapa-alipin ako sa mga ipapagawa sa'kin ng mga boss ko? I have to make a small step at kailangan pagbalansehin yung oras ko sa paggawa at pahinga. 

    a usapang puso naman, I realized na kapag nagkakagusto pala talaga si nissy, nag-iibang anyo siya. Kahit ako mismo, nagugulat na sa mga ginagawa ko. Pero to my future nissy, sana kapag dumating na yung time na the right one comes, I hope you don't push that person away, because after all, you are deserving of receiving that genuine love that you are giving. Pero sa ngayon, ang wish ko lang sa'yo ay please sana 'wag ka nang masyadong maging sunod-sunuran sa iba.

    Anyway, I only want positive vibes in this blog of mine, sa lahat ng mga paghihirap na ginawa ko sa month na ito, sa mga problemang hindi ko direktang masabi dito, sa mga negatibong bagay na iniisip ko, I want to conclude this blog entry by saying na I am beyond thankful for the great memories I have made during this month, and a special mention for this girlie named jade devine, who keeps on motivating me kahit wala naman talaga siyang ginagawang kahit ano.

Maganda yung ganitong admire from afar lang, kaya hayaan mo lang akong gustuhin ka ^_^

Kumusta?

It's been 10 days since I've last updated here on my blog, I don't know what to say, hindi ko rin alam kung anong magiging content ng entry ko for today. Napansin ko lang din na napupuno ako ng thoughts sa year 2024 kasi halos kumpleto yung mga buwan na meron akong nakalagay dito. Nagsimula lang na mas maging open ako rito nung May, wherein everything felt like I am moving forward. Ang bilis ng panahon, noh? It is already November. Naalala ko dati nung simula ng year 2024, exact new year, I promised myself na this time next year I'll be living so good, kanta kasi 'yon! HAHAHAHAH. Now that many months have passed, at dalawang buwan nalang ang ilalaan ko sa taong ito, I am cherishing every moment and living every second of it.

A person once wished me, "I hope you heal and enjoy life." I personally do not know her, we never saw each other in person, but up until know, that girl, may malaking impact siya sa buhay ko. Is she doing alright? Despite all the things that I did, she chose to be kind, and to wish me well.

Past nissy was so... toxic, I must say. I felt like I have done a lot of things that was beyond my control, to the point na hindi ko na naisip yung na-feel ng ibang tao, I was once selfish, who thinks highly of herself, na hindi ko na gustong mangyari kasi it was so immature of me. 

As I try to be more mature day by day, I often remind myself that it is okay to make mistakes, hindi naman tayo pinanganak sa mundong ito para maging perfect 'di ba? But minsan napapaisip ako, sa kabila ba ng pagiging masamang tao ko, deserve ko ba yung mga nangyayari sa'kin ngayon? O baka may karma na dumating-- Baka nga dumating na, kaya nagdudusa ako ngayon.

Medyo wala ng context yung mga sinasabi ko, but all in all I just want to tell to my dear past nissy na I forgive her for those things that she have done. Sana maramdaman niya na ang kapayapaan na matagal na niyang inaasam-asam.

Change topic naman tayo! Ano pa bang nangyayari sa buhay ko? I told in this blog na I should focus my entries more on myself but I want to tell you guys this girlie. Na-kuwento ko na siya sa past blog ko, na sabi ko admiring from afar but as time goes by, nalaman na pala niya, tapos nalaman na nila, hanggang sa alam na ng lahat. 

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng 'yon, I always tell to myself na "nissy, do not cross that imaginary boundary, always be mindful of your actions, ha?" and that is what I am doing for the past 4 weeks. Mahigit isang buwan ko na siyang gusto-- gusto in a way na pure admiration lang ha? She's well aware by the fact na I do like her but not in a romantic kind of way, more like... gusto but not in a deeper level. Basta! Hindi ko na pakokomplikahin pa.

Nonchalant talaga ako pero everytime I ser her, nagiging oa si nissy. Crush lang talaga, promise! :D

by means of motivation, nilagay ko name niya sa current topic namin sa java >.<

Oh damn miss devine, you caught my attention without even trying.

My Last Year As A Teen

    It is exactly 12:00 a.m. right now and I suddenly realized, “oh! 19 years old… last year ko na ito as a teenager” So I would like to reminisce all of those memories I had while being a teen. Ang random ng content na ito, bakit ko nga ba naisip bigla na gumawa nito? It is because of that one IG reel that I stumbled upon, nakakatuwang isipin na yung age na pinapangarap ko dati na sana fast forward nalang, kasalukuyang nasa panahon na.

Thirteen years old nissy… I was grade 8 during that time. Back then, I had a lot of break-outs, I don’t like the way I look, daming pimples, super chubby, and it made me question my worth. Sa buong pagiging teenager ko, all I could remember was my insecurities and during this moment, gusto ko nalang na mag-time travel at iparamdam sa sarili ko na I am enough. Honestly, ang tanging naalala ko lang na ginawa ko as a teenager ay ang makaranas ng isang typical na nangyayari sa mga kapwa kong kabataan. Ang cliché mang pakinggan pero I’ve totally experienced that once in a lifetime first puppy love. I don’t want to tell that story here in detailed, isasarili ko nalang, but to summarize it all up, sakanya ko rin naranasan ang aking first ever heartbreak.

I am always fond of watching k-drama, nagsimula din akong mahumaling na manood ng mga ganoong palabas simula nung nag 13 years old ako. Mainly because of the influence of my Ate Charish (may her soul rest in peace). Siya yung nag-introduce sa’kin ng k-pop. Lalo na ang lagi niyang binibida na bts, bias niya raw si Jin at V. Pati na rin BlackPink at Twice. I was their ultimate ONCE during 2018. Sobrang hilig ko mag-stream sa mga kanta ng twice, naging fan nila ako before the “Signal” era. Tapos in terms of bts, I was just a casual listener, uso pa dati ang mag-download sa mp3 juices, napupuno ang lumang phone na nokia ng mga kanta nila katulad ng fire, young wild and free, spring (?) at marami pang iba.  Naalala ko dati, mayroong napakaraming CD si Ate Charish tapos punong-puno ng pirated k-dramas. Naalala ko pa yung mga plot nung k-drama but yung mismong title, nakalimutan ko na.

Ngayong teen-ager ko rin naranasan na mahumaling sa mga kuwento sa wattpad, lalo na ang I love you Since 1982 ni binibining Mia. Nakahiligan kong magbasa ng mga tagalog na storya, lalo na yung Isang Daang Tula Para Kay Stella. Dahil sa librong yon, nagustuhan kong magawa ng mga tula, and during that time, most of it ay ginawa ko para sa aking first love. I gave him 100+ poems, but I don’t honestly remember kung ano yung mga sinulat ko ron. May copy ako nung mga tulang yon kaso nakatago lang, matagal ko nang hindi nababasa. I made it that 100+ poems for a month!

Due to the influence of my friend during SHS, this time I was around 16 years old, nakahiligan ko ring manood ng mga anime at magbasa ng manga, webtoon, at manhwa. Katulad nung kanina sa k-drama, nakalimutan ko na yung mga title pero yung plot, tandang-tanda ko pa. I have this favorite anime na hindi ko makakalimutan yung title, “kimi no todoke” na hanggang ngayon, gustong-gusto ko pa rin.

Na-discover ko rin sa sarili ko na after my k-pop phase during 2018-2019, mas gusto kong making sa mga opm. I became a big time fan of The Juans. Na-discover ko sila dahil sa nabanggit ko kanina na wattpad story, mayroon kasi doon sa kuwento na fine-feature yung mga kanta sa bawat chapter, and “Prom” yung unang kanta nil ana napakinggan ko!

During pandemic era, 2020. I was 16 years old. Dito na naghalu-halo yung mga interest ko. I watched k-dramas, read anime, read wattpad stories—nung mga panahong ito nag—boom yung university series which I definitely loved! I was also  an ultimate fan of Day6! Kasi yung mga kanta nila like “You Were Beautiful” pang broken. Eh nung pandemic era ako na-heartbroken because of my first love. Day6 songs really saved me, everytime na parang umaatake na naman yung pagiging broken ko, I listen to their songs full volume para damang-dama!

When I was 16, looking back, that age for me, masyado pa akong bata and hindi pa fully stable yung emotional health ko so to experience something like that would really break a young heart of nissy. But as I always say to myself, it is all in the past now and masaya ako na payapa na yung buhay naming pareho.

So fast forward to 18 years old nissy, during this time around, na-experience naman ni teenager nissy ang kanyang 2^nd heartbreak because of a guy. I won’t tell how we met nor who he is but all in all, that experienced of mine really helped me a lot to mature and to be better. This time, ako naman yung nagkamali, I was the one who became too immature and toxic to the point that even if it ended a long long time ago, I was the one who is forcing things to still work out. 18 years old nissy was full of hope, she was blinded by love. However, she ended up losing herself.

Fast forward to the time na nakamove-on na si nissy sa kanyang 2^nd love, it was the time when there was another person that was new to her life. 19 years old nissy had a whole existential crisis. Nagkaroon ng napakalaking confusion between her internal self. As time goes by, she began to accept it all. Kaya ngayon, as I have said to my past blog, I do like someone, and that someone is a “she”.

To conclude it all, my teenager life was full of life-changing experience at kung tatanungin niyo ako ng “kung may pagkakataon ka ba na baguhin yung mga ginawa mo on your past, would you go back and change the way things happened?” I would instantly say na lahat ng ginawa ko, I don’t regret it all. Papanindigan ko lahat ng desisyon na ginawa ko, wala akong babaguhin na kahit ano.