Bottled Up Emotions

 Growing up, I've always dealt with my emotions alone, hindi ko kailanman ginustong humingi ng comfort sa iba just because I don't want na ipasa o i-kuwento sa kanila yung mga dinadala kong problema. I've always see myself as a person who bottles everything up, afraid of getting judgements from other people kasi masyado akong sensitive, emotional, mababaw yung luha ko, and most especially, minsan hindi ko na naco-control yung mga nararamdaman ko kaya sinasarili ko nalang, ayaw ko nang mandamay ng ibang tao. 

Yung ganoong personality ko, sometimes it affects me, lalo na ngayon na nare-realize ko na whenever may mga times na kailagan kong i-express yung thoughts ko, hindi ko masyadong masabi kasi sobrang gulo nung utak ko to the point na a lot we're going on inside my mind but I can't make a sentence out of it.

It is a struggle for me right now kasi minsan may mga pagkakataon na kinakailangan talaga na malaman ng ibang tao yung tunay kong nararamdaman to avoid misunderstandings and conflict but I cannot force myself na sabihin yung mga gusto kong sabihin just because I just can't, lumaki akong hindi sanay na mag-open. 

Siguro ito yung pinaka-reason kung bakit I do not see myself as someone na may lover or something na ka-share ng romantic feelings with because I always tend to keep everything to myself, though I know naman na it's not my top priority right now but I feel like I have a lot to improve to myself at kailangan ko talagang matutunan na mas maging open kasi it affects my relationship with my friends and families right now.

But despite everything that I've been through, masasabi kong paunti-unti akong nagkakaroon ng improvements, hindi ko na masyadong sinasarado yung sarili ko para makilala ako ng ibang tao, but there will always be an underlying fact na kaya surface level lang yung alam sa'kin ng halos lahat ng taong nasa paligid ko, is because I am afraid that someday, everything that they know about me, will be taken up against me, because that is something that had happened to me before.