End of Month, May 2025

This month has brought so much joy onto my life, pero sa kabila ng lahat ng saya, may nakakubling mga pagluluksa.

    Nagsimula ang Month of May ko na punong-puno ng stress related sa academics, katulad nalang ng mga pinapagawa sa subjects like Information Management na case study na hindi ko naman naintindihan, also this mock interview for Purposive Communication who kept me anxious for 2 weeks, and yung final requirement for Computer Networking na naging dahilan para pagdudahan ko yung naging decision ko in terms of choosing my major. But despite that, ang magandang bagay na nangyari sa'kin ngayong May is to finally accept my feelings towards my friend i have met during the 2nd Semester as a 1st year college student.

Paulit-ulit na pangako ko sa sarili ko dati, nissy huwag sa kaibigan, ekis tayo diyan. Pero nag-iba talaga yung perspective ko ever since Rhon and I confessed our feelings to each other. Nagkaroon ako ng mas malalim na rason at dahilan para bumangon nang masaya araw-araw. Instantly nagkaroon ng kulay yung buhay kong parang robot na academics lang ang inaatupag. Iba talaga ang nagagawa kapag mag nararamdaman romantically, nagbabago yung buong katauhan ko. Yung sweet at clingy side that I never thought na meron ako, sa kanya ko lang pinapakita, exclusively for him.

I've always been a man-hater, ang tingin ko dati sa lahat ng lalaki (except family and friends), pare-parehas na manloloko or red flag, but totoo nga yung nasa kanta na in a world of boys, he's a gentleman. Siguro masyado lang akong na-trauma on my past kaya ganon yung naging tingin ko sa mga lalaki, pero meron namang nag-e-exist na guy out there na matino, just like my sweetest guy, Rhon Russell ^_^

Change topic, I lost a loved one ngayong May, sobrang nakakabigla na tuwing tinitingnan ko sa mata si Ninong, naiiyak ako kasi he is so strong lalo na ngayong time na ito. His wife, my ninang, passed way last May 25, tapos ang naaalala kong memory sa kanila, they were my favorite ninong and ninang, na tipong masaya yung childhood ko dahil sa kanila. Nung bata ako, sobrang close namin but sa paglaki since hindi rin nakakadalaw sa isa't isa, medyo hindi na nakakapag-usap-usap. All in all, sa nangyari na ito sa buhay ko, na-realize ko na life is too short, so take all the risk, do whatever makes you happy hangga't hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Nagtataka lang ako kasi ninang was such a kind and genuine person, maraming tao pa siyang matutulungan, she was such a hardworking woman na nag-aral ng law for many years tapos nakapasa as Attorney last 2019. Bakit ang aga siyang kinuha ni Lord? :(

To conclude it all, natutunan ko sa month na ito na I have to fight my fears. Nung madaling araw na nag-confess kami sa isa't isa ni Rhon, it was a core memory na kulay yellow and violet (inside out reference) kasi mixed emotions na joy and fear. Joy kasi masaya ako na hindi lang pala ako yung nakakaramdam, our feelings are mutual. Pero natatakot ako sa maaaring mangyari -- either he will be the father of my kid (NOT TOO SOON, 10 years from now hehe) or my biggest heartbreak. Sa lahat ng napagdaanan ko related sa love, sa kanya ko lang nararanasan at nararamdaman kung ano ba talaga yung totoong pakiramdam ng pagmamahal. With him, I always feel at peace, na hindi ko naramdaman during my past. Isa rin sa natutuhan ko ay hindi tayo forever nandito sa mundong ibabaw, so sa araw-araw, I will always choose to live, not just to survive.

Nagkaroon ako dati ng phase sa buhay ko na ayoko nang magpatuloy kasi sa lahat ng nangyayari, hindi na umaayon sa gusto ko. Pero ngayon, sa present moment na ito, everything made sense. Dati, during june - july 2024, it was also vacation day, I was so helpless, to the point na hindi ko na makilala yung sarili ko, hindi na tama yung mga ginagawa at mga desisyon ko. Pero naniniwala ako na lahat ng bagay na ginawa ko na hindi tumutugma sa prinsipyo ko bilang isang babae at isang tao, nagawan ko naman ng paraan para bumalik ako sa sarili ko. From now on, gagawin ko na yung mga bagay na nararapat.

Lastly, I will always be grateful to Rhon for bringing back the colors to my life. Iba yung naging impact nung existence niya kung bakit mas lalo kong na-a-appreciate yung sarili ko. :)

Have You Ever Cried Because You're Way Too Happy?

As I am scrolling through my screenshots here in my laptop, puro mukha ni Rhon yung nakikita ko tapos while listening to the song above, hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko, tears kept on falling, but in a good way. 

Damn, first time kong umiyak sa lalaki pero because of a positive reason.

Bigla tuloy akong naging thankful sa mga decision ko sa buhay that led me sa buhay na meron ako ngayon. Naiisip ko, what if hindi ko pinili itong course na ito or what if sa ibang university ako nag-aral, edi hindi ko siya makikilala? Parang sobrang saya ng puso ko ngayon to the point na words can't even describe it, gusto ko na lang na umiyak at magpasalamat kay Lord for letting me meet someone like him.

Short blog lang for appreciation sa mga nangyayari ngayon sa life ni nissy ♡♡♡

My Only Certainty Among A Thousand Doubts

I want to write more about you here, my love

I remember, I once had a blog titled Love Is... and ang context lang nito ay hindi ko dapat hinahanap sa iba yung love na makikita ko naman sa sarili ko. Love also should make me calm and at peace, not make my heart go crazy and chaotic.

Sa nararanasan ko ngayon kay Rhon, I feel so secured to the point na lahat ng mga ino-overthink ko that could possibly happen in the future, nagagawan niya ng paraan para mapagaan yung loob at isipan ko. Minsan ko siyang tinanong... "how do you know if love mo na ba yung isang tao?" and he said na love is something na nag-a-accumulate over time. That's when I suddenly knew, this man has so much more inside of him. Mas gusto ko siyang makilala. Hindi ko na kailangang mangamba, and I feel like may patutunguhan lahat ng ito.

Yesterday, it was May 28 and eksaktong Wedding Anniversary nila mama at papa. The day before that, I posted a video on tiktok about me and Rhon. Mama saw that video of us tapos tinanong ako. During that time, alam kong yun na yung right moment na sabihin ko na sa kanila yung tungkol sa'min ni Rhon. 

Never ako nagpakilala ng kung sino man sa parents ko in formal, Rhon was the first guy. Kahit na sobra akong natatakot at kinakabahan sa possible response nila, nilakasan ko yung loob ko nung gabi para officially na ipakilala. Everything that happened yesterday's night was so chaotic, ang bilis din to the point na hindi ko ma-proseso lahat-lahat. Akala ko pagbabawalan kami, yung mga in-overthink ko na negative things, hindi nangyari. 

Natapos ang buong araw na gumaan yung pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na kailangang maging careful kasi kilala na si Rhon ng parents ko. I feel so glad, na para bang gusto kong ipagsigawan si Rhon sa buong mundo. That's too exaggerated, right? 

Everytime na tinititigan ko si Rhon, ang dami kong nare-realize -- sobrang swerte ko sa kanya. I've never expected to experience something like this in my life, buo na yung desisyon ko dati na mag-isa nalang akong tatanda at magiging isang single rich tita na nags-spoil ng pamangkin pero nagbago na ngayon. Sobrang happy ko na I get to do all my first time together with him and sana matupad yung pangarap naming dalawa nang magkasama. ^_^

Long Story Short: I Like A Guy and He Likes Me Also

Hello my past nissy! Ang dami kong utang na kuwento sa'yo ^_^

I do not know when and how should I begin. There is something that happened unexpectedly that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.

So our story started as friends. He and his friend, nag-explore sila ng sections nung 2nd Semester of 1st Year, tapos isa yung 2101 (our section) sa nilipatan nila. I do not vividly remember kung anu ano yung mga subjects, nagsimula nalang sila na sumama sa circle namin, nakakasabay na naming kumain tuwing lunch, hanggang sa nasasanay na ako sa kanila, tipong hindi na kumpleto ang barkada kapag wala ang dalawa.

I have always seen Rhon as someone so kind ever since binulungan niya ako ng sagot sa looping quiz namin sa Computer Programming, and every time he teaches me during that subject, sobrang na-appreciate ko kaya he is one of the reasons kung paano ko na-build yung fundamental knowledge ko in terms of coding. Pero if we are talking about how close we are to each other, hindi gaano, simply because I never had the chance to talk to him more deeply personally, mag-uusap lang kami kapag magkakasama ang buong barkada.

But everything changed nitong 2nd year, mas naging talkative na ako, hindi na ako nangangapa sa kanila, lalo sa kanya. We became closer because of IG reels (thanks IG <3) But that one specific thing that happened which made me realize that there is something special that I am feeling towards him was during the first time he gave me a ride on his motorcycle. It was April 14. Pumunta kami ng wawa non para tingnan yung sunset and gabi na nakauwi, tapos sa mismong moment na 'yon na nakaangkas ako, nararamdaman ko yung weird feeling inside my heart, I kept on wishing to myself na sana matagal pa yung byahe, kasi I want more time with him alone. Kaso the promise I made to myself years ago about me not liking a guy is haunting me, and ang dumadagdag pa sa isipin ko, kaibigan ko siya so hindi ko pinansin yung nararamdaman ko, dineny ko nalang sa sarili ko.

The next significant thing that happened to me is the day before the BitCon Seminar, it was the time na na-delay yung isa kong gift kay Rhon so I wanted to buy him one more gift, I tried to search something nice na related sa kuromi week before and day before his birthday kaso sa VM lang ako naghanap kaya wala masyadong options, tapos habang nagtitingin-tingin ako possible gift, all I could think of is him. Sabi ko sa isip ko "Magugustuhan kaya ito ni Rhon?" and the day of his birthday, my heart was pounding so fast, hindi ko mabigay yung first gift ko sakanya, eh magkalayo yung upuan naming dalawa. I went to his place 3-4 times, tapos doon kami nag-lunch sa pwesto kung saan sila nakaupo. I was supposed to give him his gift before we eat, but pinangunahan ako ng kaba. Sobra akong nagtataka sa sarili ko kasi magbibigay lang naman ako ng regalo, bakit ako kinabahan? Tapos nung nag-ipon na ako ng lakas ng loob, binilisan ko yung pagbigay sa kanya ng gift tapos tatakbo ako papaalis, without him knowing na I want to take a picture with him, but again, I felt so shy and I was super nervous during those times.

Another one is that during the first day of our department's foundation day. Buong araw kaming magkasama, buong araw ko siyang nakita, and I feel like nasanay na ako sa kanya, hindi ko gusto na maaalis siya sa paningan ko. Kung nasaan siya, nandun ako o kung hindi ko man siya kasama, basta natatanaw ko. When I gave him my another gift na na-delay, his reaction was so genuine buti nalang na-videohan. He might not realize it to himself but he is so expressive and appreciative and that is one of those things I like about him.

Ang daming kailangang mangyari para mas ma-realize ko sa sarili ko na namumuo na yung nararamdaman ko sakanya. But ito yung pinakamahalaga sa lahat. Our CISCO final exam can be done by partners, he chose me to be his partner, at kahit hindi niya ako tanungin, siya rin yung unang tao sa isip ko na gusto ko maging kapareha. During the first days of us doing our CISCO, sa bahay nila 'yon. But before that, sobrang naramdaman ko yung kaba nung umangkas ulit ako sa motor niya, during those moment, hindi ko maitago yung ngiti ko sa saya. Pero pagkarating ko sa bahay nila, I was so nervous to the point na hindi ko makain nang ayos yung lunch ko, sobrang intense na intense na ako. Pero kumalma naman ako nung umupo na kami sa salas, everytime na sumasandal ako sa couch nila, I only can see his back, admiring him habang ginagawa niya yung topology. Doon ko na-confirm na gosh Lord, gusto ko si Rhon, bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko? tama ba na maramdaman ko ito? kaso I cannot express it, para kaming naghuhulaan, hindi ko siya mabasa, hindi ko alam kung anong iniisip niya.

Maraming tao na yung nagsasabi at nakakaramdam sa kung anong meron sa'ming dalawa, pero kami mismo yung hindi nakakahalata, o natatakot lang na mag-aminan. But all those fears, lahat nawala nung nag-overnight. It was 1:30 a.m., sobrang lakas ng ulan. Nag-overnight ang barkada dito sa bahay namin, tapos kami nalang ni Carl yung natirang gising. Dun na ako naglakas loob na sabihin lahat ng nararamdaman ko kay Rhon, kasi alam kong Rhon is listening, I know he is still awake, kahit na nakahiga siya at parang natutulog, deep inside my heart, alam ko, kasi hindi nagkakamali yung instincts ko. 

after an hour, around 2:30, doon nagsimulang tumunog nang tatlong beses yung timer ni Rhon na 1 hour for his 1 hour power nap, nagsimulang bumilis yung tibok ng puso ko. I never experienced something like that to happen in my life. Nag-confess ako sa kaibigan ko nang madaling araw habang naulan nang malakas, that is something so rare. Tumaas ako para sandaling magpakalma, habang natutulog yung dalawa kong kaibigan sa kama, I feel my heart again pounding so fast, sobrang lakas ng tibok na I am worried if naririnig na ba ni Yuan na katabi ko at baka magising siya. Ilang minuto din ako nakatitig sa kisame, thinking of the possible things na sasabihin ni Rhon. 

will he reject me? sasabihin niya ba na hanggang kaibigan lang tingin niya sa'kin? ano kayang posibleng mangyari?

Hanggang sa nag-ipon na ako ng courage na harapin siya. He was holding that cinamoroll squishy tapos nilalaro-laro ito. Sobra akong lutang na hindi ko na alam kung anong pwede kong gawin, ayoko namang magkunwaring walang nangyari because hindi non masasagot lahat ng tanong na iniisip ko.

I finally sat down beside him, tapos sa loob ng tatlong minuto, tahimik lang kaming dalawa, tapos nagsimula na siyang magsalita, doon na ako kumalma, then we end up confessing to each other.

"Gusto rin kita Rhon"

That day was so special to me, it was May 13 when it all happened, sobrang genuine ni Rhon, to the point na I appreciate him for not running away, hindi na paligoy-ligoy and he is already thinking about future na tipong punong-puno na ng clarity na pinapakita na seryoso siya. He is not the type of guy na napre-pressure, and I am glad na after building my walls for 2 years, he is the first one who tried to break it, masaya ako na siya yung dahilan kung bakit ko gustong sumugal ulit, na akala ko hindi ko na kayang gawin.

After everything that happened, sobrang bago sa'kin lahat ng nararanasan ko ngayon. He is the first guy who has shown me what it’s like to be treated right. He’s so genuine in every aspect, he always makes me feel assured and secure. I know it might be too early to say this, but I can already imagine a future with him.

Kaya sana, dumating na yung right time na mapakilala ko siya kila mama at papa, because I am very sure of him. Wala nang kahit anong uncertainties, hindi na ako nagdududa, siguradong-sigurado na ako sakanya.

Kaya Mr. Rhon Russell Cadlawon, if you are reading this blog that is especially made for you, I want you to know that I feel so lucky to have you, and I thank God for letting me meet someone like you. <3

I heart you, Rhon Russell, my sweetheart <3