It's been so long since I've updated here, masyado akong naging busy and naging stress ngayong march. Ngayon ko na lang ulit nabuksan itong blog ko.
Hindi pa katapusan ng March pero gusto ko na mag-kuwento dito. Masyado nang napupuno ng thoughts itong isipan ko. Ang highlight ng March ko ay about friends, family, myself, academics, and my heart.
Friends. First week of March, my circle had a conflict na medyo nakaapekto sa'kin emotionally. It's been years since I've cried in front of my mom, pero nung time na nangyayari yung conflict, wala na akong nagawa but to burst my eyes out. Ang dami kong regrets nung time na 'yon, "sana pala hindi na lang ako nagsalita" kaya simula nung nangyari 'yon, naging careful na ako sa mga salitang binibitawan ko, maging sa mga kaibigan ko, sobrang pili lang nung mga "bagay" na ino-open ko. Kasi hindi ko gugustuhing mangyari ulit yung isang bagay na masyadong makakaapekto sa'kin. But despite all the negativities, gusto ko lang i-kuwento na dahil sa kaibigan, medyo lumalawak na yung perspektibo ko in terms of my relationship with my parents. But before I tell any of that, I want to share my first ever overnight. Sa buong buhay ko, hindi ko naranasan na makitulog o magpatulog ng kaibigan sa kwarto ko and I am so grateful for these two people, who are keep pushing me out on my comfort zone, sa kanila ko natututunan na mag-enjoy, na mas maging masaya, huwag puro stress sa college life. That memory alone was so happy, at sobrang gaan sa feeling na mayroon akong sila. What happened during that overnight? Kung anu-ano lang. We played uno cards, talked random things, drank soju, cried together, laughed together, slept together, and that's when I realized that being spontaneous is so much fun. I totally admit to myself that I want everything to be planned, but during that night, go with the flow lang kami, hindi namin plinano lahat yung mga nangyari. All my life, I always thought na there is something wrong with my personality, I am to shy to mingle with other people, sobra akong nangangapa at mahiyain, hindi ako yung tipo na agad makikipag-usap and magiging comfortable, but right now that I have found those people that I can freely show my real emotions, I believe there is nothing to be afraid about. Parang hindi ko nararamdaman na hindi ako kumpleto, 'pag kasama ko sila, nagiging buo ako.
Family. As I have told here, sobrang hirap sa'kin maging affectionate towards my parents. Pero during my talk with my friend, she said something to me na "hindi sila forever nandito" tapos nung isang araw, sinamahan ako ni mama sa banko. Tapos it's been so long since I stared at her, pumuputi na yung buhok ni mama. That's when I realized na I should show my love and care to her more. In terms of my relationship with my papa, ever since I opened up to him na natatakot ako kapag sumisigaw siya, lagi nang mahinhin yung pagsasalita niya. "Beng" that's the way he calls me. Alam mo ba nissy, every time na uuwi akong pagod after class, marinig ko lang yung kumusta nila, "nakakain ka na ba? pagod ka? " parang nawawala yung pagod ko sa mga salitang 'yon. Kaya nissy, make them proud, okay?
Myself and Academics. Pinag-isa ko na yung dalawa since I've always seen myself na "who am I without my academic validation?" Ngayong March naganap yung midterms exam namin for 2nd Semester and I feel like I haven't done enough. Paulit-ulit ako sa cycle na lagi kong binababa yung sarili ko, hindi ko masyadong na-a-appreciate yung efforts ko tapos kapag may iba na proud sa mga nagagawa ko, napapaisip ako, "pano na next time? baka pumalya ako." haaay nissy, you need to have positive mindset, makakasira yan ng mental well-being mo. Isinigit ko lang rin na kakapuyat ko nung exam, masyadong napagod yung katawan ko kaya after exam week, bigla akong nagkasakit (dala na rin ng hawa sa'kin ni kuya).
Hayyy future nissy, I don't know what can I do. To conclude my end blog for today, all I just want to say ay sobra akong thankful sa mga kaibigan at parents ko. Mas ipapakita ko sa kanila yung love and care ko. In terms to myself, mas magiging proud ako sa achievement ko no matter how small or big it is, ang dami mo na kayang na-aachieve nissy, kaya maging masaya ka!. Sa aking puso, not my priority right now ang magkagusto to that person, so I won't think much about it kahit na komplikado yung feelings ko towards that girl. Motivation na lang to do better, and I wish nothing but the best to my future self. 2 months na lang, matatapos na ang 2nd Sem, kaya laban lang nissy, kayang-kaya mo 'yan!
Masyadong over the place ang end of the month entry ko ngayong March. Sana mas makabuluhan ang realization ko sa April. Hehe. :)