End Of Month, June 2024

 June 30, 2024

    This month for me is like a rollercoaster of emotions. Ang dami kong natutunan at napagtanto, and most of it is related sa love.

June 1, sabi ko dito sa blog ko, payapang puso at isipan. Wala nang atras-abante. Hindi ko gugugulin ang buong bakasyon ko kakaisip na I should have done better. Bale ang nasa isip ko lang talaga ay gusto ko nang makawala sa nakaraan. Until the conflict happened nga and that incident was the reason kung bakit bigla akong namulat sa realidad. 

Everything that happened to me for the past 10 months has eventually lead me to where I am right now. Ang dami kong nagawang katangahan, mga bagay na kung iisipin ko ngayon, sobra kong pinagsisisihan. But I promise to myself na kapag may dumating man ulit, hindi ko na hahayaan yung sarili ko na mawasak. Sa dami ko ba namang napagdaanan, syempre natuto na ako.

In terms of my advanced studying, nitong nakaraang linggo lang ako nagsimula. May kaunting knowledge na ako about the basics ng python and Java. Oh my, hindi ko alam paano ko aaralin yung java kasi ang dami kong nakikita na yung mga maaalam daw mag-java, kahit sila mismo nahihirapan mag-explain on how it actually works.

So nissy, July na bukas. Please make your vacation more productive. I know you want to chill and just relax, pero I hope you still try to study since ikaw din yung makakapag-benefit once you do that.

Ano pa bang pwede kong i-kuwento? Matagal-tagal na since kumausap ako ng tao, oh dear, hindi na ako masyadong maalam makipag-socialize. How can I possibly talk to other people sa pasukan? Same blockmates pa rin kaya? May madadagdag ba sa mga kaklase ko? Marami bang mababawas? Kaklase ko pa rin kaya siya? o nag-shift na siya sa crim? Ay hala ka nissy ha, loh nakamove on na ako, pero somehow nacucurious ako. Anyway wala na akong masabi. 

So ang goal ko sa July ay sana, more peace of mind at makapag-aral talaga ng oop. Oh dear, goodluck talaga sa 2nd year, balita ko parang mahirap talaga 1st sem ng 2nd year huhu I'm scared. I don't want to pressure myself but please nissy, I just want to tell you na no matter what happen, I'm so so proud of you for trying your best. Please huwag mo nang pagdudahan yung sarili mo. Huwag mong maliitin yung kakayahan mo. Kayang-kaya mo 'yan. Nakakaya ng ibang tao, masipag kang tao kaya alam kong magagawa mo rin yan! Please don't be discouraged or dissapointed when things don't go your way. Please always look at the positive side.

Hmmm, ano pa ba? Haaay, alam mo ba, ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Sa lahat ng mga buwan sa isang taon, July at August yung pinaka hindi ko gusto. Kasi parang bumabalik lahat ng ayaw ko nang balikan pa. Pero don't worry, hindi na ako magpapaapekto, matatag na itong heart ko! One reason din kung bakit hate ko ang july at august ay dahil it is a sign na malapit na talaga ang pasukan! Kahit anong boring ngayong bakasyon (omg isingit ko lang na shems ang nagpapasaya sakin ngayon bakasyon ay panonood ng running man ph) ayun nga, kahit ang boring boring, hindi ko gugustuhing ma-stress na naman at magpasukan. Pwede bang patigilin muna ang oras? 

Currently 1:12 pm, nakikinig ng August by Taylor Swift. Iniisip ko lang yung kantang yon eh, bigla ba namng tumugutog kahit na naka-shuffle.

Wala nang tumatakbo sa isip ko, at wala na rin akong maisip pa na gawin. So sign na talaga ito na mag-aaral ako ng oop ng Java sa netbeans. Iniisip ko palang, feeling ko hindi ko na maiintindihan. HUHU mas gusto ko nalang na magsulat dito sa blog ko kesa mag-aral.

Ngayong sinusulat ko na talaga lahat ng nasa isip ko at wala akong itnitirang kahit isang thoughts, parang na-blanko na ang aking utak. Siguro nakakatulong itong blog ko na ito para mabawasan ang aking overthinking moments kasi napipiga talaga mga thoughts ko sa utak eh.

Alam mo ba nissy, kapag kumakausap ako sa mga tao, naiilang ako tumingin sa kanilang eyes, tapos once na magka-eye contact, para akong mags-stutter tapos I don't know what will I say. Tapos in terms of talking to my parents, we never had a convo at all, which makes me feel bad as a daughter kasi, I can't easily communicate well. Hindi ko masabi yung thoughts ko kasi growing up, hindi ko sila masyadong nakakasama kasi lagi silang nasa work, though I understand it naman kung bakit sila nagtratrabaho-- to provide something for us. But I can't help to wonder, what if sa paglaki ko, na-witness nila yung kung ano nga ba talaga ako. They don't know my personality, and I don't know theirs. It feels like, we're strangers and nafefeel bad ako for feeling that way kasi I am their daughter to begin with.

Also, with my friends na hindi ko na naca-catch up. I don't know what's going on with their lives anymore. I'm struggling to keep up with my own life to the point na hindi ko na sila nakakamusta.

Haaay nissy, why is living life so difficult ngayong nag-gro-grow up na tayo?

My OT6 Forever

Nagkaroon ako ng blog about my beloved cup of joe, but few days ago, nabalitaan ko na mababawasan sila ng isa

It feels like a deja vu, kasi naging fan din ako dati ng band din. Diba I also told dito sa blog ko na ito na my music taste is moslty band songs. Dati, nagkaroon ako ng phase na kung saan I always listen to day6 songs. It was during February 2021. However, nag-enlist yung mga members kaya parang naging inactive ako. Hanggang sa may nangyaring issue dun sa isang member, tapos nung time na yon nasa military pa yung isa ding member, so domino effect na bakit yung k-band na ini-stan ko, nabawasan ng isang member? 

And few days ago, nangyari din sa Cup Of Joe, Raph Severino left Cup Of Joe, although I don't exactly know the exact reason, pero yung pag-alis niya, talagang ikinalungkot ko.

Honestly, since si Gian and Rapha yung vocalist ng Cup of Joe, sakanila mostly yung focus ng mga tao. I admit, kahit ako. But I love them  as a group. Sa lahat ng opm artists, sila yung pinaka sinusuportahan ko, and knowing na nabawasan nga, nakakalungkot na hindi ko sila nakita in person nang kumpleto. 

In the future kaya, fan pa rin ba nila ako? Makikita ko kaya sila? Makikinig ko kaya ng live yung mga kanta nila? I don't know the exact reason why I love them and their songs, maybe because yung mga kanta nila is masyadong lively, and the fact na banda nga sila, malakas talaga ang impact sakin. I don't know why I'm fond of band songs, pero hindi naman kailangan ng dahilan para magustuhan yung isang bagay diba? Haaay Cup Of Joe, i love them with all my life! 

I Did It Once, I Can Do It Again

Sa paglaon ng panahon, muling makakabangon at makakaahon

You can never hate me more than I hate myself for the things I’ve done, and that’s a burden I carry every day.

I know I've done a lot of wrong decisions and choices in life these past months. Maraming taong naapektuhan, pero hindi ko rin maitatanggi na halos hindi ko na talaga makilala yung sarili ko, kasi I was different, I am losing myself, and I don't know what I'm doing. Hindi ko ma-control yung actions ko, lalo yung feelings ko kaya naapektuhan yung mga tao sa paligid ko and I regret it all. Lahat ng pagkakamali ko, hindi ako proud sa mga mali na nagawa ko. 

I don't honestly know kung paano ako makakabawi, but the only sure thing that I know is that hindi na maibabalik yung dati. May mga taong dapat ko nang kalimutan, and that's completely okay. That's part of growing up.

After self-isolation for more than 1 week, I realized that healing comes within. Hindi ko dapat hinahanap sa ibang tao yung heal na gusto kong makamit sa sarili ko. Kasi ako lang naman yung makakatulong sa sarili ko, kasi ako na ito oh. Sa lahat ng tao, si nissy ang pinakanakakakilala kay nissy. 

Maybe when the right time comes, makakaahon na talaga ako, magiging buo na ulit ako. Pero ngayong mga panahong ito, sinusubukan kong patawarin yung sarili ko, because I know in myself na kaya ko ito nararanasan, consequence ito sa lahat ng mga bagay na nagawa ko in the past.

One person told me that, let them handle their own thing. Tapos yung sarili kong struggle, ako na yung bahala dito, kayang-kaya ko naman ito lagpasan, sus, ako pa ba? Eh ako na ito oh! 

Kaya nissy, you just have to let things go, hayaan mo na yung past, focus on what you can do right now, at yun ay ang... You have to learn to forgive yourself. 

Nagawa mo na ito dati, makakaahon ka ulit ngayon! : )

How To Cope?

If I could only tell my friends what I feel right now, will they be able to understand me? 

Hmmm, pare-parehas kaming may pinagdadaanan in life, how can I tell them na I am currently losing myself? I feel like ang sama-sama kong tao sa nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko, is it too exaggerated? I don't know my mind is too chaotic. 

Nagmahal lang naman ako, pero mali yung paraan ko ng pagmamahal. Because it ruined me, it ruined us. 

If only I could predict na ganito pala yung mangyayari, hindi na sana ako nagkaroon ng attraction sakanya during shs days which lead me to where I am right now. Now I am regretting that I fell in love with him. Everything was a mess. I am currently a mess.

I thought once I get over from him, tapos na. Nakalaya na ako sa mga pagkakamaling desisyon na nagawa ko sa buhay. But mali ako ng akala, minumulto ako ng nakaraan, may mga bagay ako na nagawa na hindi ko na kaya pang balikan. 

And the worst thing that is happening to me right now is that, hindi ko magawang maipaglaban yung sarili ko, kasi alam ko rin naman sa sarili kong ako yung mali dito. 

Pero nasasaktan din naman ako, paano ba kapag ganito? 

Move forward and never look back.

Doing Everything Just To Lessen The Boredom

 I don't exactly remember kung kailan ba nag-start yung summer vacation, I think it's almost a month?

    Hmmm, these past few days, ever since nangyari yung incident which keeps me away from SocMeds, ang tanging ginagawa ko lang ay manood ng random movies at vlogs sa YouTube. Napanood ko na yung Matilda tapos yung 16 wishes. I also watch Kryz Uy's vlog! She's going to pop soon! I can't wait for little cute to come out. Pinapanood ko rin yung random vlog ni Alex Gonzaga. Sobrang random talaga as in. Tapos tambay sa TikTok at YouTube Shorts na puro pagkain yung laman at a day in the life of Yale and Harvard yung nakikita ko sa YouTube. Sa tiktok naman, halu-halo yung content nung videos. Maituturing ba na social media yung dalawang 'yun?

    Sa point na ito ng aking life, ayaw kong makipag-socialize sa mga tao. Pero ang boring naman kasi kung magdo-doomscrolling lang ako magdamag. Tapos pagdating ng gabi, hirap ako makatulog. Nakasanayan ko na kasi mag-IG at mag-twitter.

    Nanonood din ako sa YouTube ng motivational videos tapos minsan yung algorithm puro tungkol sa IT stuffs, oh edi na-pressure na naman ako kasi hindi pa ako masyadong nag-aaral na sabi ko before summer break mag-aaral ako hahahaha. 

    Ayun lang naman ang ganap ko ngayong bakasyon, so kailan ba ako sisipagin? Balita ko ay mahirap daw ang Cisco, at yung Netbeans na sabi ni kuya ay mahirap daw, jusko po, hindi ko pa nasisimulan kasi honestly, tinatamad ako.

    Alam mo ba Nissy, ang tingin ko talaga dati sa mga IT ang tinapos, tagabantay sa Computer shop, tagalagay ng tempered sa phone, tapos taga-ayos ng mga cellphone, mga hacker din. Not until I experienced it myself. Oh dear, ang hirap pala ng pinagdadaanan ng IT students. 

Future Nissy, ano kayang mangyayari sa'yo in the future?

How I Met My Beloved Cup Of Joe

 Salamat, estranghero <3

    Hmmm, all started because of that song. Bigla kasing sumikat yung kanta na 'yon sa tiktok tapos na-curious ako kasi I personally like bands, yun ang music taste ko.    

    Naging fan ako dati ng The Juans and Day6, dun ko na-realize na I'm into bands. I think nag start yung pakikinig ko sa Cup Of Joe around August 2022, medyo gine-gatekeep ko pa sila non pero lagi kong bukambibig mga kanta nila sa mga kaibigan ko and I'm glad na they are getting the recognition that they deserve right now. Oh my, rapha's voice ay sobrang sarap pakinggan.

    Currently listening to misteryoso pero kung ako ang tatanungin, top five favorites ko ay unang-una, Sagada, Tingin, Misteryoso, Mananatili, at Bukod-Tangi. Ang ganda ng mga kanta nila, kailan ko kaya sila makikita?

    Pero dati, napakinggan ko na yung song nila na Nag-iisang muli. Na-discover ko lang din sa liked songs ko sa spotify. Oh dear, June 2021, how come I don't know them before :<

    Nung mga panahong 'yan ay nasa day6 phase pa ako pero ngayon ay I'm not into k-band songs na. More on OPM! 

The Backstory of Wonder Pets

A blog that is especially made for my best kind of people.

    To my wonders, also known as wonder pets, it just happened that one day, bigla nalang nabuo. Nakilala namin ang isa't isa nung grade 7, parehas kami ng section but si Miel, I've known her since kinder. Classmates kami hanggang grade 7. Ann and Van, I met those two sa LaCo.

    I admit wala akong gaanong memory with them during our 7th grade days, literal na blanko yung memory ko. But one thing is for sure, kami ni Miel yung laging duo nung time na yun. Tapos ka-close naman namin ng slight si Ann, while Van had a different circle.

    Hanggang sa nag-grade 8, napahiwalay si Miel and Ann sa aming dalawa ni Van. Silang dalawang girlies yung mag-kaklase, and kami naman ni Van. During 8th grade, syempre adjustment is real kasi new classmates na naman. And I was in the first section so expected na brainy ang mga bago kong kaklase. Ang mga nakasama ko nung mga paunang month ay yung mga napalipat din sa first section na kaklase ko nung 7th grade. Dun nagsimula yung pagiging close namin ni Van. Hanggang sa nag-grade 9, 10, 11, 12 at si Van ay kaklase ko pa rin kaya iba rin talaga yung kung paano niya ako kilala kasi he knows me very well.

    During those times na hindi ko na kaklase yung dalawa, medyo nagiging rocky na yung friendship namin ni Miel, tapos yung kay Ann, mas close sila ni Van during those times. Laging nagpapa-help si Ann sa Acads, nangangapitbahay sa room namin, mga bagay na ganon. 

    Grade 9 happened and Ann was transferred to first section. Doon na nagsimulang magkaroon ng bond between sa amin ni Ann. Kami na ang duo nung time na yon. However, dahil sa closeness namin ni Ann, there was like a conflict but I won't discuss it further here.

    While si Miel, kahit hindi ko na naging kaklase, hindi pa rin nawawala yung friendship, siya yung lagi-lagi kong kasama nung uwian, kapag naglalakad from LaCo to paradahan. 

So this is exactly where it all begins, kung paano nga ba talaga nabuo ang wonder pets kong minamahal...

    Nung una, our group chat started because we have to create a commercial sa Economics subject namin nung grade 9. Kami palang tatlo ni Ann and Van non. Ang context nung commercial na yun ay we have to create a unique way of advertising "suka".

    We eventually came up with the bright idea and goods naman yung naging outcome non na medyo funny kung mapapanood ko ngayon kasi it's all cringey but I swear, matino naman HAHAHAHAH. 

    Anyway, going back, yung timeline na 'yon is nangyari during February 2020, which is we all know naman what happened next, Pandemic Era March 2020, dun na nagsimula lahat. I vividly remember, I told Van and Ann, I think we should add Miel here in this gc tapos go naman yung dalawa. Our "Sukakaiba" gc has turned into something wholesome. One night, nagkaroon kami ng talk na kung saan we should change the gc tapos si Van pinalitan ba naman "GC PARA KAY MAMI ANN" tapos may epic photo ni Ann. Until naging "Wonder Pets" yung name. The exact reason why wonder pets is because during that time, naghahanap kami ng exact cartoon characters na 4 yung main characters. Eh there was this one episode sa Wonder Pets na kung saan may rabbit kaya . But originally, it was just 🐣 🐹 🐢. Up to this day, wonders na ang tawag namin sa circle namin.

    But of course may mga time na nagkaroon din kami ng mga hindi pagkakaintindihan, maraming ghosting phase na nangyari sa gc na yon, nagkaroon din ng isang taong katahimikan because of a conflict. Nung nangyari yung conflict na yon, syempre sobrang important sakin nung friendship namin kaya masyado akong naapektuhan. 

    During my shs days, they we're my support system kahit saan. They supported me on everything. Sa kanila ko binubuhos lahat. Kaya nung nangyari nga yung conflict, para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa, it feels like my world has shattered into pieces. They were my home, and still are. They are my comfort.

    Looking back, I feel like I'm so blessed to have them as my friends. Long story short, nagkaayos din lahat-lahat, and that's when I realized, time heals everything. 

    We definitely experienced a lot of things, we watched each other grow up, changed, and move forward on our lives. Haaay, as long as you guys are happy, masaya na rin ako. I'm thankful and blessed to meet someone like you, my wonders.<3

Publishing this at exactly 11:11, more years and memories to come!

To Become All I Want To Be

We should not dwell on the past and we should not worry about the future.

    The blog for today is about the career path that I'm taking. Hi future Nissy! this is your past self, currently taking BS Information Technology. I just finished 1st year of college, at pinalad maging isang dean's lister. Summer break namin ngayong mga panahong ito. I told myself mag-aaral ako, mag-aadvanced study for 2nd year para di gaanong mabigla, but here I am now, watching Young Sheldon, season 3, episode 16. Hmm, the reason why I'm writing today here on my blog, habang nanonood ako, a thought suddenly occured in my mind, things would have be different if I chose to pursue my dream course instead of the one that I'm taking.

    Hayyy dentistry, ever since I was young, interested na talaga ako. I have this specific memory dati na ako mismo yung bumubunot ng mga ngipin ko. I don't exactly know kung bakit yun yung dream ko dati na kunin na course, but during the application period, na kung saan kailangan na naming mag-apply sa mga universities, I have no choice but to choose the nearest university in our area. Na-accept ako sa BSU Malvar and the rest is history.

     Naalala ko dati nung shs, nag-apply ako for DOST tapos sabi ko Lord, kapag nakapasa ako dito pwedeng-pwede na ako mag dentistry! Eh si past Nissy nagpaka happy-go-lucky hindi nag-review, hindi tuloy pumasa. 

    Hmmm, I know I missed that opportunity, pero wala nang magagawa pa yung mga regrets ko. The best thing I can do right now is do my best on this field that I'm currently taking. Daming kong doubts sa sarili ko future nissy, kakayanin kaya natin ito?

Balitaan mo nalang ako ha? :)

New Month, New Era of my Life

First day of June starts now!

    Today is June 1, SATURDAY. Currently listening on some random OPM classic songs. Hmmm, what should I write? Tungkol saan kaya pwede? Ang nangyayari sa buhay ngayon ni present Nissy ay I'm currently fond of Cinamorolls, they're so so cuties. Tapos I'm a big fan of Cup Of Joe, I love them with all of my life, kailan ko kaya sila makikita? :( Tapos nagagandahan ako sa mga kanta ng BINI, also sa mga member, lalo kay Maloi, tapos medyo biaswrecker ko si Stacey, so so pretty girlies huhu.

    Ano pa ba? Alam mo ba Nissy, meron kasi ako ditong journal, mas gusto kong journal yung tawag ko sa diary kasi parang ang childish pakinggan nung diary hehe. So ayun, sa journal ko na 'yun, nasaksihan non lahat ng mga pangyayari sa buhay 1st Year ko since October. During that one random night, naisipan kong magawa at magsulat ng diary. I never thought aabot pa rin ngayon yung pagsusulat ko.

    Ang tingin ko lagi sa sarili ko, puro Acads lang yung inaatupag, kasi wala naman talaga akong hobby o pinagkakaabalahan sa buhay. I don't have anything to do on my leisure time, manood ng movies and k-drama siguro but I am currently developing this habit of mine, umiikli na ang aking attention span. Hindi ako makatapos ng movie or series nang hindi naka 2x speed. Hindi ko na rin masyadong nae-enjoy, I'm just watching for the sake of not getting bored.

    However, the problem here is during watching, I am always thinking of other things like gusto ko maging productive, hindi ko rin maiwasang isipin na kailangan ko na mag-aral for preparation on my 2nd Year, ang ending, hindi ko na talaga na-e-enjoy yung panonood. Paano ko ba mae-e-enjoy itong pahinga ko na ito kung ganito lagi yung nangyayari?

    Pakinig-kinig lang ako ng music ngayong midnight habang nagsusulat ng random things sa blog kong ito. My mind is too chaotic, this blog helps my mind to feel at ease, haaay thankful that I discovered it during quarantine era.

    Dahil wala na akong ma-kuwento, balik tayo sa topic ng blog kong ito which is the title itself. New Month, June. Gusto ko na ng bagong era ng buhay ko. Gusto ko nang makawala sa nakaraan ko. Alam mo ba Nissy, gabi-gabi pa rin talaga akong hina-haunt nung mga past mistakes, which is yung mga wrong decisions ko, na naging reason kung bakit ako nagsu-suffer these past months. I want to forgive mself completely. 

    Ang dami kong bagay na ginawa na kung mababalik ko lang ung time, I'll choose not to do it, para hindi ako mag-suffer, pero nangyari na ang nangyari, at wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin lahat-lahat. I think I'm sleepy na, but sige sulat lang nang sulat dito hanggang sa pumikit na completely ang aking eyes.

    Suddenly ko lang itong naalala, parang gusto ko tuloy i-kuwento yung mga red flag na napansin ko sa sarili ko. Firstly, yung pagiging masyadong overthinker ko, to the point na yung tiwala ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sa'kin, pinagdududahan ko. Second, I hate to admit it but I get too jealous easily, maybe because I am still immature and because of the traumatic past I had with a guy. I was cheated before, though it's all just a mu thingy, cheating will always be considered cheating. Ano pa bang red flag ko? Siguro masyado akong affected to the point na nang-blo-block ako? Red flag ba yun? Ano pa ba? HAHAHAHAH red flag din yung I become way too obsessed sa isang tao. Red flag din yung pagiging mababaw ko.

    AT DAHIL DIYAN, gusto kong baguhin yung mga mali sa'kin, kasi hindi ko gugustuhing mag-suffer in the future because of my own bad habits. 

    Bilang pagtatapos, sa kabila ng lahat ng napagdaanan ko in the past, I think the lover girl within me won't die. But for now, I know in myself that I need to grow as a person, and I have to focus first on my studies and goals in life. I'll trust in God's most perfect timing. At the end of the day, we have different paces in life, at siguro nasa point ako ng buhay ko na kung saan, self love is what I need the most.

    :)