Mama and Papa

Are you and your parents close? 

Unfortunately, we are not. I don't really know why it turns out that way. Siguro sobrang stubborn ko nung bata ako kaya di ko nae-express yung totoong ako in front of my parents.

There was a time when I saw mama crying in the terrace. They had a huge fight which really made me so confused at that moment. Wala akong alam sa kanila. We never had a heart to heart conversation to each other. Whenever I see other people same with my age tapos they treat their parents as their best friend, there's a sudden impact on my heart. I wish we could be like that too.

I can't even say to them that I love them as much as they do. When I see my father, I am always careful on the things that I do because I am afraid he would shout at me. I'm not really scared at him pero I feel like I should try not to annoy him. He wants everything to be done accordingly to his will which is totally fine but I don't know how to handle the situation whenever I can't do something immediately.

There was a time when he asked me na pumunta ng kapitbahay to return the money, I don't know what to do at that moment because he doesn't know that I am afraid of socializing to other people. I know I'm the one na nagkamali but the moment he shouted my name, I feel terrified. All I want is to cry, but I'm afraid he would see me crying.

Gusto kong ilabas lahat pero nablanko lang ako.

Siguro the reason why I am being like this, too afraid to socialize, is because I am too scared of people coming at me. I always feel weak whenever soneone shouts at me. 

I hope I'll overcome this fear. 

Yours truly, nissy

Power Interruption

Have you ever been into a situation which you can't decide what you will do next?

Currently no power here in our barangay. I think in some parts of the city too? National clearing day daw sabi ng batelec. Everytime na mawawalan ng kuryente, walang wifi and data so I have no choice but to think a lot of things.

We had a section reveal 3 days ago, STEM yung kinuha kong strand. I really don't know what path should I take. Hindi ko nakikita yung sarili ko sa kung saan mang field related to engineering nor medicine.  I always wanted to be a dentist, radio DJ, pre-school teacher but some of it requires proper communication and stable financial status. I don't want to burden my parents on something I am not sure about. I am afraid to take a risk in terms of what will I take in college.

Industrial Engineer is my first choice, sabi nila madaming opportunities and walang bar exam but may discrimination, pero wala akong masyadong knowledge about that course. All I know is it requires students to be masipag because there are lot of calculations that happening in there. 

Nung bata ako, gusto ko nang mag-college agad para matapos ko na agad yung pag-aaral ko. As I grow older, I wish I could go back in time when I don't have to worry about my future yet.

I promise that I will make myself and my parents proud in the near future.

Yours truly, nissy

Ambivert

Are you an introvert or extrovert person? Or in between? 

Kung oo, parehas tayo. Hindi naman ako ganon nung bata ako, pero nawala yung confidence ko sa sarili ko the time na maraming tao na yung nagsasabi na mataba ko. It made me hide inside the box and I don't know how to handle the situation.

Some of my childhood friends were the reason why I  don't always hide in the dark. They are making me happy whenever they are with me. Reigne was my former friend, the granddaughter of our school's principal. She always invites me to join lunch with her sa bahay nila and I remember that her and her kuya are always fighting kasi parehas nilang gusto yung egg ng isda.

Anyway, napapalayo na sa topic. As I have said on my past blog post, I don't feel comfortable when I'm around in too many people. That's why I stay quiet whenever there are activities that require groupmates. I am afraid of judgements. I am too shy to socialize. But whenever I'm with my friends, the kalog version of me suddenly comes out. It feels like they are my safe place. No judgements. They always makes my day. Whenever I feel so blue, kahit hindi ako masyadong palasabi ng problema ko, kapag magkakasama kami, parang nakalimutan ko tapos maya-maya tatawa na ako.

There are times when I'm just too happy and I talk to a lot of people. Magulo akong tao eh. My face kinda look intimidating sometimes, pero once na magkausap tayo, I will talk to you with a smile. I can't promise that I won't think the atmosphere looks awkward, but I will try to overcome my shyness.

Yours truly, nissy

Time Machine

Have you ever wonder? What if scientists invented time machine? Would you go back in time or would you like to time travel to witness the future?

Every night, every time that I was about to sleep, lagi kong iniisip yung mga past mistakes ko which lead me to where I am right now. I hurt a lot of people that I once considered my best kind of friends. Those people have their own squads now and I am happy for them. Pero I have this thinking na what if inayos ko? Yung ako yung mag-a-approach dahil ako rin naman yung may kasalanan. I know in myself na ma-pride akong tao. I don't easily realize that I was the one who is hurting them, basically I'm playing the victim. My past self reflects my present self but that doesn't mean I didn't change. 

Napatawad na ba nila ako? Lagi kong iniisip na ako lagi yung naiiwan sa barkada, pero the real thing is, ako yung nang-iiwan ng barkada. They were the one who always come to me, dahil sobrang hindi ako masyadong magaling makipag-communicate. Pero the time na I met new people, iniisip ko na lalayo na ba sila? Pero ako pala yung lumalayo sa kanila.

I always identified myself as a kind and friendly person, pero it is different on other people's perspective.

As time goes by, I know I did a lot of stuff that made our friendship grow apart, but I always wish that even if they won't forgive me for what I did, I hope they found the right people who can treat them well genuinely.

I'm sorry.

Yours truly, nissy